it's my fault, I passed out instead of getting up to pee.
a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
It was cool in an 'oh shit I'm gonna get arrested' way.
there's a barbecue in the shower. I'd like to know who got this to fit inside perfectly. impressive
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
I'm sure we could make a ball of yarn and a nickel into a drinking game
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
It's like I'm getting a welcome home parade with sex!
So, if you eat too many protein bars, you will shit your pants. This I learnt today..... at work.
Don't be hating on my everclear. Never taken a smoother journey into intoxication.
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
I woke up to find I still had sequins under my tits. I'd say Sunday was a success.
I tried to breakup with him by telling I had a threesome. He one upped me by saying he had a 5-some so I couldn’t do it.
Randomize
