I think I left something in your back seat.... It was my integrity
So guy #2, the dancer, is programmed into my phone under the name H.uy. His number- 11 digits. I should have stopped drinking.
Yea i traded my bed for half a bag of jimmy johns jalepno chips, am I proud of it no, Am I happy I did it? yes
Just tell him to eat fruit before so it tastes good. Then it's just like shotgunning a smoothie
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
I'll start choreographing the sperm rain dance now
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
yeah...that's gonna come up in court
How did I roll 7 times this month and survive?\nI must be some sort of ecstasy goddess
This guy is walking around with a deer head on. Honestly what the fuck
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
But I thought it was so funny last night
You also thought you were a gypsy mermaid last night
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
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