So there are ramen noodles in the shower you need to explain...
Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex.
the only time i'm productive on weed is when i drink.
his profile picture is him throwing up "#1" hands after his lax championship next to his coach that i fucked....embarrasing for him, yet ironically beautiful for me.
the moment we started interpretive dancing last night wouldve been a good time to stop drinking.
You're really doing everyone a disservice by wearing pants all the time.
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
Can you come get Dustin he's putting taco bell fire sauce on cigarettes trying to light them again.
A man and his most likely hooker just bought us Taco Bell.
We decided this year instead of not participating in Halloween at all we are going to hand out free beers to the parents.
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
Just walked by a girl saying to her friend "honestly you coulda given me any dude and I woulda fucked him"
You should've introduced yourself
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
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