she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
Can you come over to my place and make up for the crap you called sex yesterday?
Good morning to you
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
I'm pretty sure that I'm earning a horrible reputation with your friends, but I'm having a fucking great time in the process.
We forgot to go back and get the brick YOU WANTED TO BRING INTO THE BAR?
There's a really old guy here with a really young girl. I'm guessing he has to make choo choo train noises to get his dick in her mouth.
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
I just ran into the woods like an idiot because ADVENTURE.
It's your last night of vacation right? Be the Oprah of dick. And you get a dick... and you get a dick, and you get a dick!!!
I'm not big on drama but you need to put your pants on and leave.
Randomize
