You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
Were making a bet for which twin will relapse while in rehab. I'm going for the chubbier one
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
we went to get a refill in his room and ended up having sex and passing out. then he woke me up with sex and gave me a beer for breakfast. i never want this to end
I just had to explain to my 62 year old advisor what "tea-bagging" was in the middle of her lecture. I smell extra credit. And maybe a demonstration.
I'm glad I booty called you last night. It was nice to see you and talk, in between all the sex...
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
What do you want to swallow. Press 1 whiskey press 2 rum
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
I'm sitting at my kitchen table alone dressed as a dinosaur smoking bowls in the dark. Is this rock bottom? Or is this living the dream? Who's to say
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
So the vodka/tequila mix went down fine but the burp made me cry
I hate being the first one to text him all the time...I feel like Iook desperate to get laid when the reality is that im just really horny and he has a/c...
Randomize
