i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
drinking warm bud heavies i found in the garage and googling how to tell the gosselin kids apart.
used foursquare to find where i am. please come get me. this is the scariest bedroom ever.
i just burped and it tasted like condom. please tell me i wasn't lame and made that guy wear one for a bj last night.
its like accelerated beer pong for children.....we train champions young
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
Then you better bring Starbucks and a box of condoms in the morning.
Oh shit. This is getting real.
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
I gave you the craziest sex experiences of your life, the least you could do is let me keep the sweater.
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
Can we just get drunk and watch the Birdcage please I have no tolerance for straight men today
Randomize
