I'm so fucking centered right now
Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
I sat in the mc D drive thru and refused to move till the chick gave me her number
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
It Amazes me that I was able to drunk update my status in Spanish last night.
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
I already ran out of vodka but I have more beer. I just ran naked into the high school party down the street as took all theirs. ...figured no one wants to tackle the naked guy..
You were running around yelling "BUKAKE!" and squirting people with a shampoo bottle you found. Total shitshow.
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
He came up to me looked at my tits said they were huge, rated them a 7 and then asked if girls really do masterbate. To make it better, he put his hand up to my face and said his penis is longer than my face...
When we were texting for those few weeks, I some how established a crush on you. And its weird and wild and stupid and silly. But these things just have to be said sometimes to determine what's real and what is infatuation. And to suffer the consequences of five am drunk philosophy. No regrets.
It was easier that asking where the vagina platter is.
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
Here's the thing. Kinda drunk. Eating leftover soup. In bed. Watching Disney channel.
Randomize
