meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
i would punch a child for taco bell
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
Do not buy whiskey under any circumstances. There should be a UN sanctioned buffer zone between me and Seagrams.
Ice cream: Good. Fraternity: Good. Eating ice cream off a Skid Row bum's ass crack in order to get into a Fraternity: Homoerotic at best. I quit.
After she saw a msg in his phone from me that listed the reasons why I love his cock, I don't think I can deny fucking her ex.
Can we skip lunch and do power hour sex time from now on? I'll let you eat nachos off my body if you really need the food.
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
the quiet that you are hearing is a silent suggestion that you should go fuck yourself
Ive never seen a drunk man get suplexed before last week, now its the standard requirement every time we go out.
I had sex with a mask on because I have the flu and I didn't want to get him sick.
I'm pretty sure even the managers want me to show up hungover my last day, it would be negligent and disrespectful to do otherwise
we are the best best friends ever. You had sex in an ice cream truck I had sex in a fire truck
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