He bought me ice cream and then I gave him a bj
I think that's fair trade off
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
There are walks of shame and then there are walks of what the hell is wrong with you.
Was this before or after he told that homeless man outside the bar about his past sexual experiences?
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
You kept saying you only wanted to drink until you were sleepy. You succeeded if "sleepy" means you sleepied around with 4/6 of the guys there.
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
5% want to drink juice and feel better, 95% just want to touch your butt
We're at the liquor store. Then going to the hospital
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
He tried to get me to go back to his place on the condition that he has 6 cats. I was very tempted but I said no. Hoping to go see the cats tomorrow
I'm not over that dildo rifle story. I don't think I ever will be.
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
I'm always down for nudity.
Randomize
