don't look now, but that cross eyed girl is staring at you... and me.
Turned in a paper today on drug abuse. Chose to write about percocet. Just realized I started 2 sentences with "This amazing drug"
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
Bring single women, or taken women who are unhappy with their relationships, or women who are happy with their relationships but have low moral standards, or women who just like to remove clothing when drunk (relationship status is unimportant for this option)
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
I've honestly never felt so much emotion towards a wall
Can we pretty pretty please go to Mardi Gras tomorrow? I promise I'll be a good girl and not puke in a pledges car
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
Let's get drunk and take out your tonsils tonight
might I remind you I fucked a 21 year old and almost did coke with strangers? you definitely came out on top
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
It's official, I'm not staying in tonight
What caused that decision?
You only live once
I just found two ugly toothless rednecks fucking in the woods in my backyard. The man shouted at me close the door your letting the stank out which made no sense to me cuz we where outside. Whatever. just another Monday in the Northwoods.
Randomize
