Drunken candy land NOW. Dont fight the urge... you want to.
He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
he likes to slap my ass alot untill he missed and hit his own balls poor bastard kept on going.
So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
i love when the champions come out to play im bringin the shock collar this weekend
Also, I guess I made friends with the guy who caught me peeing behind a bush.
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
He kept telling me that it stood for Sex Utility Vehicle
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
What do you do when you legitimately find a hidden sex dungeon in your parents basement next to your bedroom!!?
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
Randomize
