do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
i'm dressed up like the coppertone baby and being hit on a guy in a monk costume. the irony is not lost on me.
My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
he got his own cum in his own eye. TWICE. how do you make that mistake again?
i only understood the part that said mucho orgasmos
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
Woke up on a mattress on a roof this morning with a pair of briefs next to me. Oh fleet week.
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
its like i had a thought but i dont know what the words are for it
Yes dating, but it seems easier to just live in a perpetual state of Netflix, internet porn, and cheese.
MILK DIDN'T HELP. IT'S NOT HELPING
I'll be back in a hour going with Jason to get his nipples tattooed back on again
dont know what thebfuxk is in rhat shit, but dont lemme have antmore
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