Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
i just won a 100 dollar gift card to walmart in a karaoke contest...i love kentucky
so high. i feel like my whole body is a boner
and I didnt even know his name until this morning when we were laying in bed and he referred to himself in the 3rd person.
I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
We decided to cut you off after you insisted on eating peanuts by the dumpster
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
I'm gonna give the church their tithe, and the rest is a down payment on boobs.
just called AAA to get my keys out of me car and then afterwards realized they were in my pocket...stoner life
He offered me free drinks all night if I could beat him in a drinking race. I blacked out after that but just found his credit card in my bra so there's that.
he said "i'm the cat whisperer, watch". he took a hit from the pipe, grabbed the cat and blew the smoke in its ear. he grinned and the cat started purring. it was magnificent
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