Everything went well, until I walked into his bedroom and there was a Ronald Reagan poster watching over his bed - creepy
I asked him where the store BJ's was and he unzipped his pants.
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
she's like bobby knight all she does is scream and point
High as balls & about to be tanning. Helloooo 15 minute vacay.
Her vagina turned into a vuvuzela. I didn't know it was a possible to have a wet nightmare.
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
We are buying drugs from a guy with a Jesus fish on his dodge caravan.
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
I creeped him on fb. I'm about 90% sure I just blew him in the same tux he wore for his wedding..
This medicine is making me nuts. I just woke up and I thought I was in a glass case with Asians staring at me.
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
U NO SLUT. YOUR HEART IS JUST FREE.
Randomize
