Oww! U thought rug burn was bad! Fuckin carseat burn hurts like a mother!!!
Wtf?
Use the slutty part of ur brain.
It wasn't awkward until he started humming the Rocky theme song in the middle of fucking
i just wish he would text me so i could ignore his text and show him how little i care anymore
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
it makes it look bigger when i shave, i hope its not the same for a girl
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
Hey, you guys have all had chicken pox, right?
Who knew that one of those cheesy light up equalizer shirts would be the light that all those drunk college girls gathered like moths around?
Trust me. Drunk Scrabble is not a good idea. Arguments over the legitimacy of the word "Pickle" break out, things are said, friendships are ruined. It's ugly.
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
I can see the future and your future is full of penis
Who knew she had talents apart from chugging wine spritzers
Randomize
