Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
how the hell did this chicken wing end up in my cast?!
I'd like to say yes, but I nearly lost my shit when I assumed there was no back to my house. I am not strong enough for hallucinations.
I want to own their dicks and all the attachments
From the same High Brittany who brought you such thoughts as, "Fuck, am I wearing shoes?" Comes High Brittany on a date! Stay tuned. This will be interesting.
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
I literally just force feed a guy flintstone vitamins after sex
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
The neighbors in the apartment above us are at it again. The roleplay this time is cop and prostitute. I give it 30 minutes, you? Already sounds better than the last one
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
Hypothetical question: Would it be wrong to tell the annoying children who don't listen to their parents that the motel is haunted?
Randomize
