This girls a $30 bar tab from being bi
She counted 5,6,7,8 then intentionally kneed herself in the eye numerous times.
Precisely. She's an awesome drinking companion; yet, not so awesome mother-in-law material.
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
So I just did the math and everything in this room except the computer and my clothes has been in my vagina
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
Halfway through the night I was hiding in a trashcan. Then I "sobered" up and ran around the house throwing change because I wanted to make my last moments of 2013 charitable.
Did I tell you guys I was bisexual last night? I just had a flashback
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
If we hadn't just agreed to no commitment, i'd totally propose right now. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
She ripped her shorts off and yelled "VAGINA TIME!"
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
This is going to be so stupid, but do you feel the calluses on my hands when I give you a handy?
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