every time I hook up with him I think about the fact that penicillin was a mistake too... and look how well that turned out. It makes me feel just a little bit better.
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
bitch please you did NOT just unlike my status..
I have a way to get him back. you're going to have to take one for the team and make a visit to the health department. you in?
No, listening to the fray and drinking a bottle of jack daniels does not count as counseling
When he grabbed my tits it felt like he was either giving me a mammogram or trying to pierce my nipples with his fingers.
So apparently using the emergency exit of the bar as a bathroom is frowned upon in this establishment...
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
I woke up with $140 in twenties in my bra and have never been more puzzled.
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
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