im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
They should make Glad Forceflex condoms.
Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
Revenge fucks should not count towards the total number. They're justified.
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
He told everyone he was going inside...an hour later we get a knock on the garage door from some dude telling us a guy is passed out on the lawn and we should get him inside because it's about to rain
As your attorney I advise you to rage rapidly
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
Was it cause you feel bad for the ridiculousness my vagina goes through because same
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
Can you explain to me why I showed my boobs to the firemen to get free beer?
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
Randomize
