he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him
at least he gets points for a creative booty call
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
I am VERY upset that you called my fiesta a waste of time.
I feel like I just rode a horse, did a million jumping jacks, ran a marathon and need a carton on cigarettes. best sex hands down... EVER
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
Pizza and koolaid didn't even make me feel better. This hangover means business
If I ever go to Canada, I'm fucking the maple syrup out of his Canadian ass.
you just rode your bike home from a one night stand in a stolen skirt with no underwear and you're telling ME to reevaluate life choices?!
Smoked a blunt with my dad then introduced him to cinnabon delights. Today was a good day.
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
You know its a good morning when you wake up with blonde hair extensions in your pocket. . .
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
And then there was cum in my hair and he was making beans.
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