So I've been thinking a lot since she told me she's prego. But what I want to know is why my voice of reason sounds like Thomas fucking Jane!?
$22.99 left in the bank til payday = 3($7 jack & coke) + 2($0.89 T-Bell taco) + $0.21 in case of emergency.
math is fun
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
He seriously just asked the doctor if taking the medicine for chlamydia was going to cut into his drinking time. Never let it be said that he is not dedicated.
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
Also on a more serious note, what says pull my hair more: straight or soft curls?
using blue streamers we found on the bathroom floor was probably not the best substitute for toilet paper.
"The juvenile turned and faced the officer, unzipped his pants, placed a fresh cigarette in between his legs and preceded to light it with a match"
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
Yesterday was just the icing on the rejection cake that was my week
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
Lesson learned. No more vodka and toaster strudel
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
I'm having shoppers remorse over a dildo
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
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