Sometimes I think my vagina thinks its a penis.
I guess calling a coworker a lesbian sea cow is some kind of violation.
His was the first dick to ever be in my mouth... Of course I'm going to the wedding.
I told him I'd rather have sex with his father last night. I'll admit now that I was drunk.
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
He passed out naked in my bathroom, then took a shower, then passed out again and then took another shower. Last time I let my brother visit.
I had to show the prof your text saying that I could pick up your midterm for you. I covered the part of the screen saying you weren't there because you were about to have morning choke sex.
I just had to take a picture of someone whose testicles are bigger than my fists combined. Living the dream.
Yup. Dog walker, house sitter and mistress to the rich, bored and bi-curious. I've got a nice little operation running.
I just bought us acid. I'm like the drug tooth fairy. Get ready to wake up with a sweattart of acid under your pillow.
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
I will teach you the ways of the ho life, my little gay grasshopper.
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
I cannot believe all 4 of us had sex at the same time, in the same bed... And it didn't turn into a foursome..
Randomize
