I mean a good dj is a huge turn on
Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
You told my mom you were going to "Raw Dawg some randoms." That Drunk.
I feel like a girl who eats her problems away with fast food.
When all else fails, you can always look down at your enormous penis.
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
You're telling that to the kid drinking Jack in nothing but a graduation cap
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
He and his ex stood there talking about going to get Chinese food while I was half naked searching for my panties
Not sure if I should ask if I can have my underwear back or just avoid that all together.
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
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