Friends don't let friends fuck ugly girls. WALK AWAY FROM HER!
I just told my doc I would like to talk about my drinking problem, but that it would probably get in the way of my weekend plans.
scale of 1-10 how well do I give head
5, but i have never had a 10. best was an 8 so if i grade you on a curve you are a 7. ish.
rhymes with "ouble enetration"
don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
Think I pulled my pelvic muscle.
I think I pulled my ashamed of myself muscle.
Idk. The last coherent text said something about $25 & dimes. And then...it's just letters...
I'll feed you vitamin c from my mouth this weekend. Like a baby bird.
Promise??
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
I begin to question your sobriety when you both left here shirtless, with beers in one hand and shotguns in the other
Randomize
