happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
I just snuked. Sneezed and puked
We talked about all of the sex positions that would better allow him to feed me grapes. I think I'm in love.
Mega depressed bro. Had the greatest sex with the hottest girl I've ever seen and in the AM she gave me that look I've given dozens of times. I'm her drunken fat chick fuck
Its what happens when I drink whiskey in a sweater. It makes me feel mature and ponderful.
And on the seventh day, God carefully sculpted your cock to fit perfectly into my masterpiece of a vagina. Then he rested. Look it up.
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
Oh yes there is. Now I'm the sad one. Please organize my life. And I will demoralize yours.
i feel like i am made of mashed potatoes. i love cannabis pills so. fucking. much.
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
Dad hid the hash somewhere in my room and wont tell me where it is until i clean it. My room is spotless. The hash was on the ceiling fan...
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
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