Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
My t9 writes chubies instead of bitches.
either way. win, win.
people from other dorms came to marvel at the dump i took. i had a bio major take a picture.
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
made out with three guys on the first night of college orientation, just imagine what joys all of next year will hold
is it still called a breakup if its your friends boyfriend that you have stopped sleeping with?
Oh my god. I'm sorry if i peed on you last nite. I am truly disgusting
Dont forget about the tuna sandwich behind your TV
She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
A guy is going to be inside me and I'm gunna start singing "I am stuck on your penis, cause your penis is stuck in meeee!"
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
I try new drugs instead of new boys. That way you can't scold me about the importance of condoms
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
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