Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
Well technically because of daylight savings, I only lasted 15 mintues.
she gave me her number. found out it was already stored in my phone as "bathroom blowjob"
WHYAREWHITEGUYSSOBADINBED?! What the fuck went wrong, evolution?
It was less of a bar, and more of an abandoned basement that some people sell booze in.
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
If it makes you feel any better about life I'm wearing yoga pants with granny panties and toms with socks cause fuck my life
GOT MY PERIOD AND AN INTERNSHIP OFFER THIS IS A WONDERFUL DAY
He woke me up, handed me a ringing phone and said break up w her for me. That hung over.
The cop that got shot in the dick is here, let the entertainment begin.
I just have to point out that once I typed "fa" my phone filled in "fatass"
Burritos, beer, and hot tub sex. Merry Christmas to me.
Puked in the trash can. Took a bite of someone's breadstick and kept dancing and drinking
Social anxiety problems: I just had to get up and change stalls mid-poop because someone sat down in the one next to mine.
Randomize
