There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty
he told me he saved a turtle in the middle of the road.. i told him id be over in ten minutes...i mean he deserves a bj after that.
You are in charge of making sure that her vagina explodes with joy tonight.
I cleared a drunken path to my bed for you. If you hit clothes you've gone too far.
You did a strip tease for the toilet.
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat dat dat dat dat ~uterus contraction~
Why'd you print out every dick pic you've ever received and tape them to the bathroom walls?
I wonder what dick looks like without astigmatism?
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
Come on in and take your pants off
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