No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
Good thing you left when you did - ended up getting banned from jimmy johns.
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
Just saw a dude hanging out a window upside down chugging a 60 of vodka. This weekend is big for everyone I guess
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
I would've been fine if I didn't do the three shots
You did like 8
Important update! My next door neighbours have a canoe. Repeat: THEY HAVE A CANOE! We are having sex in it before this summer is over.
You're always so generous when it comes to your dick.
My gyno overestimated by 3 TIMES the amount of sex we have per week. First of all, he must think I'm a freak. Secondly, I think we should catch up.
I'm surprised I don't have a permanent face imprint between my boobs.
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
Anyone who has court these next few days keep your head up & smile knowing we broke the County Record with 27 underage consumptions
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
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