if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
There are just some things I refuse to put in my mouth.
He muttered something about having just washed he sheets, then demanded I give him all my quarters.
i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
I don't know if it's lucky or if it really just makes my tits look THAT good, but I've never NOT gotten laid with this bra on
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
Wors thing about having a cop dad: random drug testing
Also, the greatest of ironies: I got shampoo confiscated by security while Corey managed to get pot through. MERICA!
Maybe I'm nitpicking, but that looked more like how one would jerk off an elephant than it did playing air guitar.
I achieved maximum drunk last night. It was pretty extreme. Woke up on a couch, outside, in a suit
When I woke up today i said I will NOT sleep with her. This morning I did the walk of shame into work wearing the same clothes... How was your Monday?
Gave a guy a blowjob in a convent. Place in hell is now secured...
Well I just masturbated while reading a recipe for Alfredo sauce so I guess you could say I’m growing up
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