1. Call me if you need ANYTHING. 2. If you get tag teamed, I want details.
She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
Is my lip ring still in your hair?
first one here with a pint of chicken lo mein, aspirin, and diet green tea ginger ale, gets a full effort bj the day after tomorrow.
I'm eating crumbled blue cheese out of Tubbaware. My life is nothing.
How much do you charge for your Funyun and beer delivery service?
I have random bruises including my spine and visible bite marks on my neck. Thanksgiving car sex accomplished.
I don't like sad things. I do like drinking though
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
Should I bring my 4 pairs of bunny ears? Or is that too weird?
4 pairs might be a bit much
I'm peeing on your house...you up?
God yes pancakes and booze sounds like the best night ever.
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
Randomize
