I'm at his house. He has VELCRO shoes. I'm too desperate to leave...I may need help in thee life dept
saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
i'm lost and i look like a hooker
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
The only thing I have to prove last night happened is a fireman's hat full of puke.
I'm laying outside on my patio attempting to get sun with a puke bucket next to me... This is dedication to the tan my friend
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
I come from a long history of big boobed German, Swedish, and Irish women. And then there's me. Mother nature was like "Naaaaaaah."
When did i become the Rickety Cricket of my own life?
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
I just dominated some guy while wearing your moms thong
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
My boobs are too perky to pay that much for a car
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
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