You can't wash away shame.
I can try.
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
I sat a few seats down and one row behind a cute girl at the Cubs game today. Having watched her talk to the guy next to her, I found out only her name and age. I then used that information and pieced it together with over 500 girls on Facebook with the same name. I found the same girl, and we're now fbook friends.
if being a creepy fuck was an olympic sport, they'd think you were using performance enhancing drugs...
Found him. He was passed out on the couch at the new place in a room full of burnt pizza smoke.
I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
Your lack of a response has proven you've clearly forgotten how crazy I am.
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
He came over to use the microwave, said he needed to heat up some urine.
They have a genuine stripper pole secured to the floor of their living room. I am thoroughly take advantage of it. I've made $5 so far. Why don't more places have poles??!
I feel awkward giving career advice while naked
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
So last night was the first of "I got cut off before I walked in the bar".
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
Listen, I bought the coke that got us those free drinks, okay? Show some respect.
Can you pay somone's bail with a credit card or just cash? I feel like you would know this.
Randomize
