i miss you so much
i miss you too
oops, did i send that to you? i meant to send it to the money you owe me
i may not always bang 16 year olds but when i do, i prefer hot ones
The worst thing that has ever happened to me happened today. I was taking donations at goodwill and someone donated a clearly used vibrator
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
I love her so much that if I could have sex with her I wouldn't cuz my dick would feel out of place in such a perfect body/vagina
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
It was a legit night tell he threw a snowball in the bar, thats when I knew it was time to go to the next bar.
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
She said we could only have sex if she got to keep her fake moustache on during
How the fuck did I get back? Last thing I remember is being on some hot guy's shoulders yelling at girls shaking their asses
We'll talk about it later...
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
Settled one third of the tab. Am going back for sex. Love you, make friends
OK, but next time I'd like to be present for our make-up sex.
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
Randomize
