chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
I am officially superior to you. I said "Go Go Gadget Dick" before I fucked her. I dare you to beat that.
then she made me sanitize my hands before fingering her...i may have found my soulmate
He's the biggest piece of shit to ever exist. He's not even wearing shoes.
Just remembered to take my BC at the liquor store. Just swallowed it with a free sample of Whiskey.
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
What happened after I vommed in your shirt that I was wearing and threw it out the window on the highway?
Look, if a guy shows up at your house. He's short, name is Logan, has weird vertical hair, let him in, give him food, and a place to stay. He's on a ver important mission. And I am he. as he is me and we are all together. And we are the eggman, goo goo gajoob.
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
i feel like a cleansing fire is the only way to purify the house
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
Randomize
