I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
It was awkward until we both realized our obsessions with harry potter and sangrias were the same. Now were in love.
You need tk get a life and stop texting me about fictional characters. I don't give a shit.
So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
Two kids are drinking pounders in class. I think I'm hanging out with the wrong group of friends.
She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
today's workout consisted of me putting my fake in my sports bra and running to the liquor store.
You may or may not have poured bacon fat down her shirt
It's only 10 in the morning...josh is already on the way to the ER for trying to shotgun a beer with a sparklers sticking out of it on fire.
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
He showed up at my house drunk with a pizza and said he wanted to lazily finger me while I watched supernatural. Who was I to say no?
Randomize
