you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
Okay, good. And if you have one of those portable strip poles that would be nice too.
It took years to rebuild my brains forcefield against your charm and I feel like u seal team 6'd ur way in again and caught my common sense sleeping on post
I've heard awesome things about their margaritas. I also may buy a mustache from party city. Would you do me with a mustache on??! Hahahaha. But, really.
The only responsible thing ive done in vegas is shower and that was onky to clean vomit off me
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
So looks like I applied to adopt a dog last night. I'm completely ok with this
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
So much rum. So many feels.
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
Yeah, great now I will be tampon girl
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
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