apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
i wish there was a holiday celebrated with pizza eating
I want to fuck you on the side of the bed tonight.
babe, don't say it like that!
I'm sorry, I want to penetrate you on the edge of our sleeping quarters this evening.
i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
I just sniffled when I woke up and got a bump of coke. I have never felt so good hung over.
I woke up with no pants, someone elses shirt, but my new years crown still on. That is dedication.
He ate me out in the forest at that park we used to hit my bong in highschool again, somehow this isn't what I pictured being 25 would be like
This is stupid. I am not getting knocked up from fucking in his backseat behind a starbucks. I refuse.
But seriously I might need help getting spray paint off of my body.... But don't worry about the penis I scrubbed him already
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
honestly if there were pictures of last night i would be embarrassed.... im embarrassed without pictures
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize
