I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
i'm having a wet tshirt contest with myself and yet i'm still losing
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
He just sent me a dick pic with his iPod held up next to it and the words "in relation to iPod." Geekiest booty call ever.
he had two deer mounted on his dorm room wall with panties and bras hanging from the antlers... i cant believe i contributed to bambi's headgear...
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
I just found a wine bottle in my shower. Must have been a good night.
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
It was total unicorn galloping on a fucking rainbow awesome.
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
Anybody can graduate from college sober. You try it while being stoned every day for the last three years. 2.75 baby.
You kept yelling stranger danger at Nick because he was talking to that girl you didn't like. Your not invited ever again.
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
Randomize
