I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
I'm being fed tequila grapes by a girl on stilts...
I took my exam the next day still drunk and failed, but I kno for a fact that I filled in the bubbles for my name perfectly
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
It's that whole "half Japanese, half asshole" thing. My brother and I have found that people really go for that
The international association of gay square dance clubs had a booth set up in the lobby of my hotel.
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
who is that guy in your bed? he looks like jesus..way to keep it festive
I was orgasming and dying of laughter at the same time. I think I've found the One.
I'm never going to adult. I'm staying a child. The only thing related to adult that I want to do is you.
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
Like people might wonder why I put up with your puns. You give good head and play with my hair
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
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