i am doomed to only fuck guys with curved cocks
It got a little outta hand when you wanted to do body shots on the table.. at Dennys.. at 4 AM.. with lemonade
Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
halloween is the only time that anne boleyn, the joker, a cowgirl, and a mexican man complete with sombrero and poncho can all hit the same blunt
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
It would have been the trifecta of dick for her.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
Yeah thats cool. We can play the alphabet game while doing bumps of coke in the back of his volswagon
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
We're super invested in me shitting to my full potential
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
Dude, fate has brought her to your penis.
Riddle me this: I can stream porn just fine but try and watch my college class and nooo it won't work
Be there in 4 minutes
She was blacked out on the couch MASTURBATING and whispering to her boyfriend...who wasn't there. I yelled her name and she didn't even pause.
Randomize