I dint menn to makr ut w brtendr
Wat???
U lft me at bar, no cassh for cab, may have slept with bartender
I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
just overheard a conversation that ended in "and that's what I learned in France" How could that not have been about sex
On the bright side, I hit her with the door on the way in
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
People try and tell me I never learn me lesson, well that's a bunch of crap. I asked for Monday off for Superbowl recovery based on my experience last year.
Nothin ruins a fine afternoon like shitting ur pants
I just want to nap all the time and eat Chinese food.
She was pretty impressed that I led all thirty of us back to campus in my state of drunk. Evidently so impressed that she now refers to me as "Moses" in bed.
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
As much as I hate to admit it, some day ill need a man because I can't open jars myself and you can't 69 a dildo
Like I don't even know how to respond to this?
Randomize
