we have to go try and show our tits so we can get ID-free drinks at applebees
eating mexican with the mother in law. this meal made her decide to tell us about her colon cleansing diet
hahaha he is wasted in math class right now and is drawing all the planets in order from the sun
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
Thanksgiving break drinking is a marathon, not a sprint, and i need to be well rested
He legit pounded my cooking wine, because he was to cheap to buy beer. He is so not getting any.
I hope my shame shaped pee stain outside your door goes away soon.
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
Nope, sorry. Already took my bra off. All down hill from here. My next act will be crying, singing, and eating girl scout cookies in the shower. You can come watch the shit show though.
hey the jello shots wont freeze
How much Everclear did you put in them?
uhhh all of it
How drunk is "too drunk" for candlelight service?
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
The multiple male orgasm is a real thing. I've seen it. I've caused it. I called him a unicorn.
I can't even spell what he said he was on. And I had to call 4 people before someone had heard of it.
Randomize
