you passed out when you kept trying to hold your breath during the underwater scenes of 2012
you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
For using a life jacket as a pillow, I slept pretty good last night...
My motherly instincts are overcoming my slutty ones
I put the extra pregnancy test in my sex toys box as a reminder that my actions have consequences.
So your bra was hanging in the Christmas tree last night at some point I think
I'm sorry, you might have to start setting aside some time in your day for my pussy.
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
My backyard is filled with beer cans. You idiots turned our backyard into a redneck ball-pit
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
You like that 95% of the time I masterbate I think bout you?
Just wanna know what I can I do to earn the other 5%
There are twenty eight units in that building. There has to be at least one heterosexual in it. You can't have fucked your way through all of it.
He just took off his shirt. I'll text you later.
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
Randomize
