I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
you know he's having a sex change. I can't believe you called him "titty man" to his face....
There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
I wonder if all of the nights I blacked out will be revealed to me when I die. Have you ever thought about that?
i pounded out a 17-yr-old on saturday night
no, that is not a typo
i turned her down on fri night, googled the state consent laws & then caved on saturday
This is random, but did i give u a handjob in the middle of the night or was that a dream?
Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
I'm hiding her cosmo magazine. the only sex tip she needs is to not handcuff her boyfriend to her roommates bed and lose the key
I really want to shower but i'm afraid i'll sober up. My mouth feels like a stripper pole too...
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
I don't know if apple cider everclear was such a good idea
I am going to MURDER whoever gave him my phone number but it was probably drunk me so I'm conflicted.
And that kids is the last time I ever try to outdrink Germans
Is it weird to befriend your older alcoholic landlords?
Randomize
