At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
i left with the words "thank you for undersanding my sluttiness"
Aw lol. Sounds like my masturbation injury last year
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
if you are still a virgin by winter break we are throwing an aztec themed sacrifice the virgin party
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
Can we skip lunch and do power hour sex time from now on? I'll let you eat nachos off my body if you really need the food.
Well, I just did coke with a drag queen in a bathroom so that's the direction this night is taking
They said you bought the guy a shot and was talking about being Greek and then all of the sudden just puked all in their pitcher of beer and got kicked out of the bar.
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
That makes sense.. A good Bj is a trump card in any argument
Just had a flashback of scottish man yellin' at my face. What the fuck I did?
Randomize
