I didn't shave. On purpose
i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
You'll be happy to know that I did indeed fracture my rib in a sex related injury
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
No. He burped at a 3 year old, roared at him and proceeded to scream at the kid's parents to watch their child. The manager of Olive Garden was on our side.
Lazier than spoon feeding yourself popcorn and debating adult diapers so you don't have to leave the mentalist marathon on tv?
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
If I wasn't stoned and knee deep in cheese and crackers I'd help.
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
I want Walter White to make me a bologna sandwich while I'm chained to a support
I thought my sex drive was gone but let me tell you it is back with a vengeance
Hey I had a great night last night but I don't want to lie to you I'm only 19 and that wasn't my place its was my cousin he's gone for the summer and I was just house sitting and watching his cat I'm sorry
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
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