Yeah, I tried playing the "see how long he can stay inside of me" game.. And I lost.
I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
I wish they had nachos that got you drunk
If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
Come find me please? Im in a ditch.
That doesn't help me much...
I'm right under the moon!
Dont forget about the tuna sandwich behind your TV
Just so you know, this text is a buffer between the two guys I'm sexting. Can't get that shit messed up.
Hey. Me and my buddy are drunk. you wanna give us tattoos of the hawaiian punch guy we shall pay very well. Seriously dude. no bull shit.
if you fuck our toilet off the wall again, i'm going to be so mad.
Spotted: shirtless guy wearing cut-off hot shorts, 1 cowboy boot and a sombrero puking in a bush while his friend yelled 'stop being a bitch" from the sidewalk'. Happy 4th of July 'merica!
and if planning a fake elopement keeps me from fucking strangers and doing drugs, i think it's good for me
Sneezing cum all over the table was not the highlight of the family reunion if that tells you anything
Question for you. Do you want to go out somewhere or do you want to have sloppy joes at my house? That's not a euphemism for anything; I actually have stuff to make sloppy joes
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
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