She bet her virginity on the Celtics. Looks like Kobe wont be the only one breaking in a new ring.
I need to start giving them away because owning 20 dildos is never going to get me a boyfriend.
You left a trail of sequins from your dress incase we got lost
i mean, what better way to remind him of his failures in life than to fuck his roommate/fraternity brother?
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
I told my dad my stomach hurt and he bet me ten bucks I couldn't throw up on command. He has no idea what I did last night and I got ten bucks.
After he came, I wiped my mouth on my baby blanket. I could feel nana rolling over in her grave.
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
Oh and Dustin informs me I'm a legend amongst the freshman, if you were wondering about my street cred
You turn 21 at midnight!
This is better than being born!!
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
You start to question your party girl tendencies when you're wearing the same shirt you wore the night before to work and you're trying to get last nights Jell-O shot off the sleeve on your way to work
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
Randomize