Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
My doc was like ur only supposed to have 6 sexual partners..thats just one semester at college
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
That's like lying to my vagina. I can't betray it like that.
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
No, seriously, I've slept with 3 guys this month.
It's ok, February is a short month
PUB CRAWL IS THE WEEK I COME BACK FROM NOLA OMG OMG OMG. Has it been a year already since I tried to make out with you and you let a bar tender take a shot out of your cleavage? Time flies.
I can feel my teeth in 4 dimensions. I shouldnt be this high at 8 in the morning.
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
Your cousin just directly asked you for nudes
Gonna try and have sex in the empire state bldg, will tell you how it goes
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
He was so traumatized by the It's a small world ride but he immediately pulled out a flask from god-knows-where and got drunk before the ride was over. The ride operator didn't blame him.
Randomize
