Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
you were convinced that if all her tampons were gone her period would stop, so you started eating them.
you know what sucks? talking to chicks you dont want to have sex with
Thanks for the menagerie of condoms on my desk
It's the use of SAT words like that which make me want to use them on you
the last time i saw him was an hour he was floating face down in a pool... but i'm sure he's fine.
All I know is that if a letter starts with "I'm aware you jerked off in the bathroom last night," I don't want to finish reading it.
all 3 of us brought blondes home last night. all 3 are passed out. we're gonna switch rooms and see how long until one of them notices.
The lifeguard told us we had to move Mike before the tide came in when he passed out.
my mom just walked in on me in the shower doing the "ass hair shave" pose.
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
IM FILLED WITH SANDWICHES AND SELF LOATHING
no offense but you looked like shit yesterday
tequila is unforgiving..
I feel like everything in my life has been preparing me for my future sex robot experience
You’re so close!!!
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