i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
You know those ponds where you go and pay $5 and your guarranteed to catch a fish thats how i describe her
I just saw her punch a kid in the face.. i always knew she was the girl for me.
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
the story is to long to tell you via txt so when you notice the tattoo on your ass call me.
Ps, did you know if you google "drunk jenga", you're the first image that shows up?
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
How bad is it that I'm banned from all of your family functions due to sleeping w/ both your brother and sister and they both hate me for pursing a relationship with either of them.
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
Buying the inflatable beer pong table for the pool was one of the best investments I've ever made
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
You should come over tomorrow. Wine, pizza and my vagina. Those are all great things.
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
Randomize
