The next morning she woke up and asked who I was and where she was.
My underwear smells like fireworks.
Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
Going to get a "plan B"urrito
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
Dude. I don't even want cuddles. I just want an acknowledgement that I just had balls in my mouth.
He got in a fight. Then called me drunk to see if he should bail his friends out, or walk through a Taco Bell drive-thru. True love.
Cant get off the floor. Need more beer. Send help.
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
The Game of Thrones convention was just a drunk fuckfest.
Please tell me you banged Jon Snow.
he asked if he should bring the trash can into the room.. apparently i shoved my finger all over his face and said.. shhhh dont talk... just take your pants off.
I assure you, it was not a Porn Hub Bee Movie parody.
I woke up in a boat, with a life jacket on, tons of beer cans and no lake... I was inside a garage. WTF
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